It is best to have a few cocktails in you when your son asks, prods, ok.... demands to know the truth about the birds and the bees.
So much for the "the mom and dad say a special prayer together and in her sleep God puts a baby in her tummy" BS. No, he needed answers...and he needed them now.
He had the whole "boys have this, girls have this, and that's why they're different" speech in health class at school last spring. I even had to sign the consent form for them to teach him that. So somewhere along the road, he learned that boys have a penis and girls have a baby hole. Yep, that's what he said it was "a baby hole".
So he posed the question to me and I'm not even sure what sparked it, but he went there. I had a few cocktails in me. In fact I think it might have even been truth serum. So, why oh why of all times, does the little lad pick that particular moment to ask me such a question.
Here's how it went down...
Me: Well, mom and dad say a special prayer
Caveman: No, they don't. That's a lie.
Me: Why do you say that?
Caveman: Cuz I know it's a lie.
Me: Well...what do you think then?
Caveman: Well, I know the baby comes out the woman's baby hole, but what's the man got to do with? How does it get in the woman?
Me: Um...you sure you really want to know?
Caveman: Yes, you have to tell me.
Me: Well, you know how boys and girls are different, right?
Caveman: Yeah, so do you get a baby from making out with a boy?
Me: Well...sort of...
Caveman: Well, I've seen you and dad kiss in the kitchen and you guys didn't get a baby from it.
Caveman: Do boys have a special baby maker?
Me: Well, yeah, you could say that.
Caveman: So how do you make a baby? How was I made? How'd I get here? Blah, Blah, Blah, give me the truth or I won't shut up, blah, blah, blah....
Me: (totally pushed to the brink of my head ready to explode)...A man sticks his penis in the woman's baby hole and his penis makes a baby juice that goes into the baby hole and that's what makes a baby!!
Caveman: Totally speechless with the look of horror on his face. "WHAT! OMG, MOM, THAT'S TOTALLY DISGUSTING!"
Me: Well....you asked
Caveman: OMG, IS THAT REALLY HOW I WAS MADE?! THAT'S SO GROSS, BE QUIET, YOU ARE GROSSING ME OUT!"
I left the room and he laid down and watched cartoons to get the horror out of his head.
The next morning I asked him if he wanted to talk about our little conversation.
He turned his head away from me and said "No, I've forgotten every thing you said already and I DON'T want to talk about it."
One horrified kid....mission accomplished....
Guess he'll never ask me about the facts of life again, and I hope he asks his father next time.
The Schiff’s hitting the fan
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